VICTIM - HERO - VILLAIN
I woke up two mornings ago in the company of a formerly repressed memory. We repress memories for a reason--they're usually bad--so having this awareness living and breathing in my present space wasn't the most enjoyable experience.
Later that day, I had a meeting scheduled with someone from my past. I had briefly considered whether or not to go, quickly shuffling any misgivings to the background with certain rationalizations of "forgiveness," "bygones are bygones" and "I've owned my 100% so I'm stronger now." In effect: this time it will be different! (Living in a complete fantasy.)
Thus, on the morning of the meeting, the memory crashed through layers of fog. And thank God it did. I could see reality, what I was doing, what I had been doing, and my real intention for the meeting: I thought this person could help me. I thought I needed this person. I was continuing the dynamic of seeing myself as weak, as incapable, as a victim. And victims need two things: HEROS and VILLAINS.
When I see myself as a victim, I will inevitably be victimized by a villain and will need rescuing from a hero. There is no escape; around and around it goes... if you are a victim who needs a hero, you WILL find a villain. And eventually, that hero will trade places with the villain (who may then become you) and it keeps ALL parties disempowered.
My particular brand of victimhood came replete with all kinds of double binds--those "I have to, but I can't" and "I can't, but I have to" mazes of impossibility. I have to do it all on my own, but I can't--because I am incapable, and the only way I can prove to myself that I am capable is if I do it all on my own, which is an impossibility because I am incapable. Follow me?
And so, my limiting self-image essentially guided my actions until I was bound and in a corner--someone who NEEDED rescuing. At which point the hero arrived, unbound me, and inevitably, eventually became the next villain. At times I was the villain; at others, the hero.
The only escape from this hellish merry-go-round is to start seeing that I AM BEYOND CAPABLE. Because then, I don't have to prove anything to myself. I don't have to do it all on my own. Then, I can ask for help, and I can accept it. And I no longer need rescuing because, all along the way, I've been taking action in accordance with the belief that I AM CAPABLE, so I don't find myself stuck, alone and bound, trapped in a corner ever again.
Back to two mornings ago with my no-longer-repressed memory: I cancelled the meeting! And so I interrupted the cycle of victimhood, of smallness, of returning to a dehumanizing, awful power dynamic for all involved. I released us both, and I chose, then and there, that I was no longer a victim who had to pretend to be strong. I don't need anyone to rescue me. I already have everything I need--including the capacity to ask for and receive help from people I trust and love, from my friends.
I am beyond capable, and when that truth finally settles in, I am unstoppable. And so are you.