No Matter What

Earlier this year, I embarked on a ten-week course called the Breakthrough Seminar. At the first “class,” we were asked to write our intention—what we wanted to get out of attending the series. I wrote, “to love myself no matter what.”

I felt fear in writing that. I knew it could mean I’d lose it all. In fact, I’d have to lose it all—face the loss of everything—and love myself strong through it anyway.

The last three and a half months have been some of the most challenging of my life. Just when I thought things were starting to settle down and I could just begin to see some light after an already painful 2017 and majority of 2018, September came crashing into my life like a freight train with zero brakes.

Situations arose that had me both sobbing and laughing at the same time, they were so devastating. Sobbing at the intensity of loss; laughing in absolute disbelief that yet another “thing” I had come to place faith in, to rely on, was crumbling through my fingers and there was nothing I could do about it.

Everything. Every single thing from my past—from prior to my time in Chicago—had to be broken and swept out. Old paradigms dismantled. The foundation had been so weak—it needed a complete demolition. Going deeper. To the very dirt and earth on which I would begin to build anew.

So, here we are at the cusp of a new year, of 2019. A lot of my worst nightmares came true. And I am still here, still standing, stronger and more full of love than ever before. My entire world collapsed all around me, and I found that I could dig deeper than I have ever before and LOVE MYSELF. NO MATTER WHAT.

In practical, real-world actions, that means having the self-worth to know that if people leave my life, we are both the better for it. It means if people don’t like me—or my yoga class, for example—I don’t have to take it personally. In fact, it has nothing to do with me. It is them, their preferences, and I can keep on being me.

I don’t have to contort myself to fit someone else’s expectations. I can know that I’m enough just exactly as I am. I can keep breathing fire into that knowingness, into that unshakeable sense of Self that can withstand the flames engulfing me. I can be the crucible protecting the Light within, transforming myself so that Light can shine brighter than before.

Full Moon Yoga